The Pressure to be the 'Perfect Parent'

Who am I?

A mum, a dad, a doctor, a speech therapist, or a physio? Who do I have to be today?  

Let’s take a moment to talk about something that many of us grapple with—the pressure to be the 'perfect parent' for our children with additional needs.

It's a journey filled with love, joy, and yes, challenges. But sometimes, the weight of the expectations placed upon us can feel overwhelming. When you sit quietly and listen to that other parent telling you about the consistent and intensive learning regime they have put in place at home, or how they make sure that every day has two sessions of gross and fine motor skill practice. That moment you sit at the back of a training course that has told you everything you should do to support your child, and think:

“How? How will I ever fit that around my life, other children, and my job? What if I can’t?” 

Let's be real; being a parent is tough, no matter the circumstances. But when your child has Down’s syndrome or other additional needs, society seems to expect us to don our superhero capes, taking on the roles of teacher, therapist, and doctor, all while being the loving parents, we set out to be. It's an immense responsibility that can leave us feeling like we're not doing enough. 

I remember the early days when my child was diagnosed. The flood of information, medical appointments, therapy sessions – it was like learning a new language while juggling flaming torches. We were expected to be the experts, but truth be told, most of us were still trying to figure out the basics. Even now, as my child marches into adulthood, I still struggle with what I did and didn’t provide. Every day I see the missed opportunities to build independent skills or develop language. It still follows me.  I will never forget that raw emotion of sitting at the back of a training course, a brilliant and informative day about all the best early intervention activities I should be doing with my child. Surrounding by those whose child was achieving well beyond my child, and thinking “I have already failed, there is no way I can do all this”. It has taken me many years (and I am not sure if I am quite there yet) to accept that every child is different, every family’s journey is different. I have done enough! I may not have done absolutely everything, there have been days I prioritised me, days I prioritised my other children, and days when I simply gave up. But that is OK, it is normal. You don’t have to be everything, to everyone, all the time.

One of the toughest aspects is feeling like we're not meeting some invisible benchmark. Society bombards us with images of 'perfect' families, and it's easy to fall into the comparison trap. Are we doing enough therapy? Are we advocating hard enough at school? Are we providing the right opportunities for growth?

You are doing a great job!  

Sure, we may not have a degree in speech therapy or the ability to diagnose every medical issue, but what we have is heart. We love our children fiercely, and that's the most crucial element in their growth and development. 

It's okay to acknowledge that we can't do it all. We're human, not superheroes. Our children need us to be present, to laugh and cry with them, to create memories together. They need parents, not perfect experts. We must see them as a member of a family, with equal rights to their peers and loved ones. We have to juggle the needs of so many, but we can’t afford to neglect our own.  

So, how do we navigate this pressure cooker of expectations?

Top Five Tips

1. Celebrate Small Wins: 

Instead of focusing on what we haven't done, let's celebrate the victories—no matter how small. Whether it's a new word, a successful therapy session, or a simple moment of connection, these wins matter. 

2. Build a Support Network: 

Surround yourself with people who get it. Join support groups and connect with other parents facing similar challenges. There's incredible strength in community, and shared experiences can offer valuable insights and encouragement. 

3. Prioritise Self-Care: 

It's not selfish to take care of yourself. In fact, it's essential. You can't pour from an empty cup. Whether it's a quiet moment with a cup of tea or a walk in the fresh air, make time for yourself. 

4. Embrace Imperfections: 

Perfect doesn't exist. Embrace the messiness of life, the unpredictability, and the beauty that comes with imperfection. Our children don't need flawless parents; they need real, loving, imperfect role models.  

5. Ask for Help: 

It's not a sign of weakness; it's a testament to our strength. Asking for help when needed is a powerful act of love for our children and ourselves. 

Remember, the pressure to be the 'perfect parent' is a myth. You are doing an amazing job. Your love, dedication, and commitment are the greatest gifts you can give your child. 

Let's stand together, supporting one another on this incredible journey. We may not be perfect, but our love is more than enough. 

With gratitude, 

A Parent who can only do so much!